Tuesday, May 25, 2010

May 25, 2010

Flashes of light, I saw one about last week, it was right on a light bulb this time, while it was off.  I tried to play wiith the light switch to see if it resembled; thee flash I saw was whiter, and quicker than I could make with the light switch.  The first one I saw was right after my little brother died; it was back in Montclair, back when I would stay up nights reading the bible (so it must have been over the summer, but I remember telling this to a highscool teacher).  I saw the flash of light on the doorway to the hall, as high above the ground as a face, as if it was coming out of the hall.  I dont know if these mean anything, whether they can be explained or not, I am sure they mean more than I can understand right now.  Doctors would just say that there is some thing wrong with my brain, but I know God knows why the mind does things and all the mysterious ways that it works in.  There is more to life than anything we see.

As I try to read, I get one of those where my attention goes away and I am reading without knowing what I read,  I get my attention back and read it again, but I realize that what I read, the information does not just go no where, it goes somewhere, but just not through my conscious.  Who does it go to if not me, and is this what I am practicing by “paying attention”.

Monday, May 24, 2010

May 24, 2010

Existential Lover:
To find out that you are as dead as me, my worst nightmare.
My only desire, to have faith in something that means more to myself than me.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

May 23, 2010

I saw something on the news (not that I watch the news) about businesses going down; it was said that two businesses that were going down decided to work together and they begin to get more customers, I think they said that the cuztomers were on foot.  I thought about how it would be better that everyone would just give up their cars and stop spending on gas, and the gym and just walk or ride bikes everywhere.  I realized that this recession, is not the end of the world, its not even a degression of human living, its only a change, a crisis.  Even if it is the end of American economy, its not the end of humanity, its only a change of lifestyle.

Watching family guy Star Wars (I never watched the original).  The end had no resolution, it left me with a very peculiar feeling.I focused on it, and realized that this feeling was actually a mix of thoughts... and so, this explains ALOT.With any movie I watch or story I hear, it induces, endorces manipulates and handles different beliefs and puts them into work, puts them into motion in a sort of way, and in the end there is a conclusive feeling, the sum of it all; if you have indeed beheld the shape or motion of the whole story by the end.
Alkaline Trio says, “thoughts are the shadows of feelings”.  But I think, that with this understanding, I would agree with it being the other way around.  Maybe it depends on what he means by “shadow”.
Each life, in every moment, has a distinct feeling, or a distinct flavor.  If you dont taste yours right now its only because you are ignoring it.  These flavors (and any other sense for the matter) is composed of beliefs (or for the sake of adding it to my philosophical views [God = Meaning = Life], it is composed of what it means).  The flavors of everything else, how they make you feel, even in your physical senses are all made of of “beliefs”, of meaning itself, they are all made up of God.  Everything that we see, what we smell, these senses only have Life because how we interpret them: remember how a camera is different than the human being’s eyes.  Camera’s do not see the world like we do, our eyes do not see the world like a camera: our eyes judges things chooses what to look at, it interprets, it believes, it senses a “flavor”, it takes in meaning.  If we did not see meaning, we would be as blind as a camera, spiritually dead.  But sense we can taste the things we see, everything that we see is composed of beliefs that we have.  I remember, in my childhood (probably 5) asking my mom why I didnt like onions; she gave me an unsatisfying “mom” answer.  But now I think I know why, the flavors are interpretations of our mind, they would not be anything without interpretation, just like the flavor of water goes uninterpreted, like a bad taste that you have gotten used to, like those people who eat anything, who only eat food for its nutritious value, and they ignore the joy of taste buds, (now they are not completely blinded from taste meaning but I am using it as an example to show what I mean by tastes uninterpreted).
I dont know how else to say what I am trying to say, but what I am trying to say is that: ALL WE SEE (and anything that we see) IS ONLY “BELIEFS”; our lives are nothing but meaning, God is the only thing that Lives, Meaning is what brings existence to matter.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

May 22, 2010

I was listening to Tsunami Bomb and literally loving the guitar and thought, I want to spit out music like that, so I wont have to make a big deal out of making great things;I want to crap out art, like if it was second nature.  Why cant I hhave that?  Is it because my purpose is unworthy?  Its not that i want to be glorified among others, I just wish others could know about Life’s art, for the sake of art to be known, but even this purpose is unworthy.  Because it keeps me from realizing that I already have that gift, if not to these people and the society I am in, but to someone somewhere and sometime, to a saint or to God, my life is too preious to forget.  I am in the car riding to church, mmy borther turns up the stereo louder than my headphones can beat, it souns like crap, but really he is an artist, if not to me, but to God and the Saints.

The day that you stop fighting for your freedom, is the day that you have gained it.

The only thing that you need to come to terms with is the present, includes everything that it is tormenting you with.

Using fear tactics to stay away from fear.  Im not tellinng you to stay away from fear because its bad for you; Im just letting you know that it is unnecessary.
The only thing we want to do in Life is witness Truth; there are those who say that Truth does not exist (that there are things that are impossible for God), and we feel an incentive to prove them wrong, but as you are denying their right to exist, you are also denying that Truth exist.

Friday, May 21, 2010

May 21, 2010

I was listening to this book, in it said something about physicists saying that every little movement we make affects all the atoms of the rest of the universe.  This thought bothered me, it bothered me because it was coming from a second source and not from me.  It bothered me that it was not coming from me because I did not know what kind of state of mind I would have to be in so that I could see that.  As I thought about this, I realized that it had crossed my mind, but I had not articualated it, I have felt it before.  I have felt how every little thing I do, no matter how small, it matters, and nothing is done without affecting the whole universe for ever; this is one of the things that comes along with the priviledge of existing, you are marked in the Book as “existing” FOREVER, at least for now.I felt like everything was perfect, now trying to figure out what this feeling is, I thought about how something that matters is because meaningful.  What I am trying to explain now, is this feeling I had: its like nothing that I do is a waste of time, because everything is meaningful, everything has a positive effect, or everything is perfect, because everything is meaningful.

2 Timothy 3:17 – I’ve noticed that people dont believe that they can achieve perfection anymore, maybe its just because Maherin questions my goal.
I’ve been paying attention how, paying attention to the self, may be what I am looking for, that feeling of waking up, when one receives an epiphamy, its when they refelct in their own life and situation. They add meaning to their present, not necessarily by a certain action, but by realization, either way there is a change in one’s life, its meaningful and thats all that matters; it does not matter what it looks like on the surface, if its meaningful, its satisfying.