April 18, 2011

Ok, so I just figured this out right now, or have been thinking about it for the last ten minutes, and have been attempting to do it all this time, because it came to me.  So I just had a dream; I am ashamed to say that just before falling asleep I was playing “runescape”, and in the dream resembled an emotion that comes from playing this.  In the dream, I felt as if I was my avatar, and I wanted out, because I was tired of running back and forth, out of mere addiction to the goals (tasks) around me.  Sometimes we get so caught up in a video game that we forget real life, the controls become so natural to us; and the game’s laws we take them to be given (laws of nature).  I feel like life is like this, I have become so accustomed to this body (or to something) that I have forgotten who I really am outside of this world.  “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, nor has any mind conceived…” this is what the world outside this life is like, this is what the truth looks like; we can’t think about the world outside of us by thinking with the mind of this realm… anything we come up with will only be about what we come up with.  We cannot think it, but I am certainly willing it… am I not? Or is this just another “task”?

I “type up” a message that is not for anyone here to see; a message with no purpose in relation to the realm from which this language, that I am writing it in, comes.  My mind feels so convoluted, I realize I have many more songs stuck in my head than I reckon when they begin to annoy me.  I try to ignore them the best I can: this message is not for any of these, not for the purpose of any of these “tasks” (I do not move for them); I want this message to reach the control center; I do not want it to be answered with another “task and reward”, with another piece of virtual candy.  I am not requesting for this world to be updated or modified, I do not want a free upgrade or a new feature; this is not what this is about:  “I do not want to do this anymore, help…”

As I use my efforts to aim the direction in which I want my message to go… as I make sure that “help” does not mean “make me feel better in such and such way”; as I attempt to speak to nothing and for nothing of this world, the feeling I get reminds me of an eye trying to look at itself.

Still, I cannot help but think this is just another task.

I remember:

Before I left it in its place, before I decided to look away… I would not leave it unless I was sure it would stay there and that I would be able to find it again.  It must stay there; because it is necessary for it to be where it is for anything to be.  And I am able to find it again; because it just makes sense, it makes the most sense, on its own.  It just is.

April 15, 2011

Every thought is an attempt to entertain the mind.  The purpose of thoughts is to distract them from imminent pain; to give one hope, to allow one to fantasize of a better world, to allow one to manipulate the perennial and to conjure up an animalistic playground that has no more worth than what has expired.  I realize that my being is not for the purpose of being fixed on one towards one point in ethereal space, the point getting smaller and smaller leaving less space for flexibility, conditioning our universe into being stagnant.

Living in the past; it means that we keep wanting something that we have already had once before.  The problem is not desiring an element, but hating its absence. 

To clear my mind of desires: to give in to the imminent pain, to give up hope, to snap out of the fantasy and into the real world, to leave the playground haven.  It only seems like the greatest heartbreak ever undergone because I have not learned the many ways to love.

April 14, 2011

subconscious dreams creep into my conscious living.
(ambitions are spawned from overlooked impressions,
the more you ignore them, the more they consume you.)
it seems a bridge to a lost ambiance was created by this sensible fancy.

April 4, 2011

It’s suppose to be like, emotions aren’t emotions anymore… they are just a sensation, like pressing the palm of your hand with your finger.  You feel them, but they do not affect you anymore, they do not control you.

April 3, 2011

I felt how I left my ambitions behind the wall in another realm,

I realized that my mind and body does not constitute life,

I felt an expanse around me and realized:

All these years I have been living inside my head,

I have been dreaming all along,

I have been asleep for so long.

April 1, 2011

The insistence of our actions leads us to be incompatible with the freedom of God.  Mankind, when will you learn that life is to live?  But you insist on becoming smaller and smaller towards death, by becoming less and less tolerant with the world.  Many times we get the chance to grow, but our nature points us towards death more and more, the damned rest, the wicked peace.  And sometimes, when we even have no choice but to be born again, we would rather kill ourselves than live through fire.  As time wears out our soul, we will find that the only reason we die, is because we are no longer willing to live.  When you ask yourself “why life has become so intolerable?”, refrain from dying any longer, do not succumb to your inclination to die.  By giving up the elementary sin, you become a living martyr; one who chose to live through the destruction of his cause, a cause that was so deeply engraved to their soul that it was believed to be undifferentiated with life.

Can you imagine? With a drift like this, eternal life would amount to be unbearable; if we went to heaven with a drift like this, it would end up feeling as if it were hell.

To grow old, means to dictate what is right and what is wrong; regardless of the actuality.  The way we see the world is true, not because that is how things really are, but because we become so stubborn that we let no one conceive otherwise. 

As the stubborn elders we are, we pass down our dictatorship and stubbornness to the following generations.  What is most tragic is that children are growing up at a younger and younger age.

We see the world the way we see it, not because that is the way it is, but because we have been taught to see it this way.  It becomes our truth and it encases us, keeping us from true life and from the true world.

The more you agree with me the less I have to explain… let’s not waste time.  If you want to understand but can’t, then ask.  If you are just looking to argue and do not even try to look for the answers to your own questions inside yourself, then don’t bother listening to me, because you don’t want to know what I have to say.  Hopefully your questions will haunt you enough in the future so that it forces you to finally get them answered.