May 10, 2010

Deathbed conversions, when you realize that you have wasted your life.  When you realize that you have been leading an unnecessary and inefficient lifestyle along with the rest of dead society.  I think about how I am, I should not be haughty enough to think that I am completely alive just because I can justify others.  I imagine myself as if I was about to die (I am in philosophy of Contemporary Romanticism Class), for a very short moment I feel the practicality of sacrifice, and the potency of nobility, the fortitude of vulnerability.  Is this immortality?  By knowing, and admitting this one out of many Truth?  But is this really true?  Thinking that I am going to die in such a point in my life makes me think that I am lying to myself.  But, absolutely everything is true; if you cannot see any other meaning at least no this: realizing the potential of possibility is realizing the Truth, at least you can imagine that it is always possible for death to come unexpected.

May 9, 2010

I am playing with myself in the dark, I shut my eyes to not see anything; I look at my hand through my eyelids, I wave my hand around; my imagination makes the softest visual figure and motion of my arm waving around; I can “see” my arm through my eyelids.  I open and close the closet door, one would argue that the only reason I am able to see the door open and close, is because I have seen it before.  My imagination makes the figure, but why? Does my imagination make these out of Truth or prejudice... or both?Out of Truth, because the imagination has power to emphasize unseen aspects of Life that we do not believe unless we witness; its in the whole nature of thought.  Of prejudice, because all I am seeing is what I ever see, nothing more, only less (since I believe that I should not see anything with my eyes closed).  Oh God, teach me to see your wonders.

Doing random things in the dark, moving my body in random ways.  Why do I move like this? My intentions are not conscious, I am not sure what I am trying to accomplish by moving like this.  These gestures come from deep inside my mind, intentions and reflections that have been buried and forgotten (if I had never learned the psychological term “subconscious”, I would refer to this part of the mind as “domain of the forgotten” or something like that).  As I reflect on my body’s movements. I admit, I get kind of creeped out.  Thinking about how these movements come from what I have forgotten, like if there was some aspect of me that I was ignoring, something that I am trying to do that I didnt know I cared about; it is like having another person living inside my mind, I am afraid of what it wants to do, what it wants to see, what it knows, and what it wants to show me; nevertheless, this forgotten spirit is my true self, it knows the Truth about everything.  Who can explain all those little mistakes that one never meant to make.  When I make a mistake, why did my body move in such way when I was trying to tell it to do something else?  What is it trying to tell me?  Our mind processes more than billions of bytes of information, out of those billions, our conscious mind only processes thousands (may have my units wrong but you get the point), the rest is stored in the forgotten, and it does not sit there inactively, it is alive and doing as much work in our lives as our conscious mind.  When I have accidents, what is my mind trying to do?  Why does my body move in such ways? The reasons are somewhere inside me, in the dark corners of my mind, where I am afraid to go, those things I am afraid to think about; I wish I could open up to myself, and let my mind tell me everything it knows; I wish I would break into this forgotten domain so that I would see clearly, all of my memories and every thought I ever had, and contemplate them continually as I live.  Is this what happens when one’s life flashes before one’s eyes? A fear so great to carry, so unbearable, that they are forced to let go of all their sin, opening themselves up to their memories for an instant, they see their whole life clearly.

I speak with this spirit, “I dont know you because of my fear, but why am I afraid?  Is it me or is it you thats causing it?  when I am ignorant, is it you or is it me thats causing my ignorance?”  This reminds me of how God made the pharaoh stubborn, and how the pharaoh made himself stubborn; both ideas are used interchangeably.  I see my hand moving, my conscious mind is not really controlling it, since I have no specific purpose in my mind for its movement; my hand moves because of my deeper self, it is trying to show me something.  I felt a detachment from my body (I read that one gets this kind of trip with Ketamines) my body is not mine, just like the chair is not part of me, the only thing I have left is my fear, and along with it, my ignorance; my conscious mind.  I see my body as a message from my subconscious, even the ways my eyes move (I am giving them no conscious command), they look at things to tell me something.  My hands and the chair are the same, my eyes are observing these symbols for a reason, what am “I” trying to tell myself by my eyes looking at these hands what is my deeper self trying to do?  What does it want? (it doesnt “want”, this type of desire is only a property of the conscious mind, me).“I am afraid God, teach me how to not be afraid of You”.

Typing things down, bring my conscious intentions and fears back, I dont know if I should do it anymore... or maybe I should connect them.

When I welcome it I begin to fear, I must love these things if I want revelation.  Unless I am ok with being gripped my fear as I am seeing the higher truth.

I got up from bed at 1:49, I have been awake for a while.  Thoughts running through my head I cant get rid of.  But the reason I am being tormented by these is not because I am not staying away from them, but because I dont love them.  Dont be concerned about loving the things that you hate, because they might come up later and give you torment; if you do this you are only hating possible torment.  So dont try to get rid of things by loving them; or else you are not loving for the sake of loving, but are fearing.  Just love what you have right now, whatever it is thats worrying you; love it and the worry; so yes, dont be afraid to worry (its not that I am taking back what I said before, but this is xactly how it makes sense).  The reason you worry, and the reason why you cant stop worrying, both come from the same fear.  And your wanting to make it stop is only the same fear that supports it.

When this is done successfully, your mind is openned to new greater beauties of life, making, everything else you are concerned about, irrelevant.  You dont ignore pain, suffering, embarassment, and loneliness, but you realize that these are really no great matter, no need to pop the zits that dont bother you, no need to water the grass in a wasteland, no need to count the sand at the beach,no need to shake off the dust that the wind will blow away.

May 7, 2010

Oble bird

I was coming to my dorm from the library and I saw a bird fly a short distance, turn back and land on a tree.  If that was me I would have felt stupid, flyin away from somewhere but then realizing that I dont want to fly in that direction; but this bird doesnt mind.  It does not need any justification for its actions, it does not apologize for its mistakes.  It lets God do the justifying, and almost any person that saw this bird’s behavior would tell you that it’s beautiful.  This is the mindset I want to achieve, to not be intimidated by those who see me, shameless.  This bird sees no flaws in itself, it does not feel as if it made any mistakes; everything that happens is just the will of God, there is no point in trying to change it and there is no point in wanting to.  The world is perfect as it is; Life is noble, just as God made it.

When you can see the Truth, every desire becomes irrelevant, because you realize that you have everything you could ever want, and that you have always wanted all those thing you thought you feared.

May 6, 2010

Now I cant sleep, unless I think of relaxing with a girl on my face.  I need to be able to see the beauty in every present thing I do.  I get too excited when I am trying to sleep, I guess because of where my thoughts are focused... not in sleeping.  But I cant depend on girls or the thought of girls, I need to pray to sleep.

May 5, 2010

An important idea that keeps coming up in my mind is, “why am I donig this? Is there not a better more effecient way?”  The question happened and got answered instantly today, so that I almost missed it.  I answered it with, “I am only doing this, as everything else that is done, for the Glory of God”.  When I accuse myself of doing it the wrong way, I reply to myself that I am not doing a certain thing to get a prize at the end, I am anticipating a reward for my actions, I am only doing it by the grace of God.  With this in mind, I do not have to worry about doing what I do correctly or finding a better way to do it, or to keep myself from doing it because there may be a better way, because I am not doing anything to get a reward.  I am not typing this diary so that anyone will read it, there is no risk I am taking, no worry in my mind (no conscious worry, at least).  This new idea seems essential, but why didnt I use it before? Or why didnt it help before?  This is God = the Lulz,  I had already had this idea in mind, and I was using it, but as I was pushing myself in another direction.

Cant sleep due to mental inspiration, but can’t think due to lack of sleep. (and vice versa)