April 15, 2011

Every thought is an attempt to entertain the mind.  The purpose of thoughts is to distract them from imminent pain; to give one hope, to allow one to fantasize of a better world, to allow one to manipulate the perennial and to conjure up an animalistic playground that has no more worth than what has expired.  I realize that my being is not for the purpose of being fixed on one towards one point in ethereal space, the point getting smaller and smaller leaving less space for flexibility, conditioning our universe into being stagnant.

Living in the past; it means that we keep wanting something that we have already had once before.  The problem is not desiring an element, but hating its absence. 

To clear my mind of desires: to give in to the imminent pain, to give up hope, to snap out of the fantasy and into the real world, to leave the playground haven.  It only seems like the greatest heartbreak ever undergone because I have not learned the many ways to love.

April 14, 2011

subconscious dreams creep into my conscious living.
(ambitions are spawned from overlooked impressions,
the more you ignore them, the more they consume you.)
it seems a bridge to a lost ambiance was created by this sensible fancy.

April 4, 2011

It’s suppose to be like, emotions aren’t emotions anymore… they are just a sensation, like pressing the palm of your hand with your finger.  You feel them, but they do not affect you anymore, they do not control you.

April 3, 2011

I felt how I left my ambitions behind the wall in another realm,

I realized that my mind and body does not constitute life,

I felt an expanse around me and realized:

All these years I have been living inside my head,

I have been dreaming all along,

I have been asleep for so long.

April 1, 2011

The insistence of our actions leads us to be incompatible with the freedom of God.  Mankind, when will you learn that life is to live?  But you insist on becoming smaller and smaller towards death, by becoming less and less tolerant with the world.  Many times we get the chance to grow, but our nature points us towards death more and more, the damned rest, the wicked peace.  And sometimes, when we even have no choice but to be born again, we would rather kill ourselves than live through fire.  As time wears out our soul, we will find that the only reason we die, is because we are no longer willing to live.  When you ask yourself “why life has become so intolerable?”, refrain from dying any longer, do not succumb to your inclination to die.  By giving up the elementary sin, you become a living martyr; one who chose to live through the destruction of his cause, a cause that was so deeply engraved to their soul that it was believed to be undifferentiated with life.

Can you imagine? With a drift like this, eternal life would amount to be unbearable; if we went to heaven with a drift like this, it would end up feeling as if it were hell.

To grow old, means to dictate what is right and what is wrong; regardless of the actuality.  The way we see the world is true, not because that is how things really are, but because we become so stubborn that we let no one conceive otherwise. 

As the stubborn elders we are, we pass down our dictatorship and stubbornness to the following generations.  What is most tragic is that children are growing up at a younger and younger age.

We see the world the way we see it, not because that is the way it is, but because we have been taught to see it this way.  It becomes our truth and it encases us, keeping us from true life and from the true world.

The more you agree with me the less I have to explain… let’s not waste time.  If you want to understand but can’t, then ask.  If you are just looking to argue and do not even try to look for the answers to your own questions inside yourself, then don’t bother listening to me, because you don’t want to know what I have to say.  Hopefully your questions will haunt you enough in the future so that it forces you to finally get them answered.

March 30, 2011

Prayer: “I am sorry God, for not spending too much time with you these days.  My excuse is that, in trying to search for the correct way to pray, I begin to believe that if I do not know how to do it correctly, then I cannot do it at all.  I spend my time trying to figure out how to pray instead of praying.”

Something happened last night, a trivial occurrence, a minor interruption that my mind amplified to the point that it seemed as if nothing was possible.  I raged, while at the same time, I let my thoughts fork away from the occurrence and tried to reason what I would do with the steps I had figured out for myself.  I analyzed my situation; the situation was not too relevant; it was my thoughts, my beliefs and desires that augmented the severity of this little event.  A whole future of misery was ahead of me, as far as the standards and verdicts I held for and against myself.  It all weighed down on me.  I thought about the Bhagavad-Gita’s description of dark inertia, it was overwhelming me.  After about 20 minutes of doing nothing but standing in one spot staring into the blank towards the floor, I fell on my knees and hands and raged as hard as I could.  Sweat dripped down my nose.  As I did this, my mind kept analyzing and tried to reason, coming up with method after method to not let this happen again, to deal with this turbulence if it were to happen again. But no method is ever good enough.  My mind kept doing this, separate from my hopelessness, and asked: What is it that I was really after?  What is it that I should give up?  What is it that I should accept?  Is there really anything that I should do?  What is it that I was really after?  What was my sin?

My sin was that I sought something that I thought would be better, that I depended on this ideal to make me happy, or to end my search.  So I tried to stop seeking, but as I tried, I only succeeded in seeking to stop.  Was I supposed to remain like this, in this state of dissatisfaction?  If I ignored it, it would not mean that I stopped seeking, it only meant that I wasn’t aware of it, and my dissatisfaction was proof, my unhappiness was proof?  Am I suppose to seek happiness?  But if I seek happiness it would mean that I am not satisfied… I am not suppose to seek, what am I suppose to do?! (Well, for one, you need to stop asking this question, since asking it implies you are seeking an answer.) 

It’s ok to seek, but you don’t know that when you are seeking.  But it is not about seeking the truth, it is about accepting it.  After thinking this I sought to accept what I had, but what I had was not acceptance, and I was not willing to accept that, if I was, I wouldn’t be seeking to accept it.  So should I seek acceptance?  If not, then how would I ever come to accept things beyond my range of acceptance?  How am I suppose to discover the world and learn new things if I do not seek?  When you seek you reject your current situation, and if you find you will miss out on the pain you yearned to let go of.  When you accept not only do you accept your current situation, but you can also accept what you do not have. 

 

What is it that I am after, if it is not anything tangible.  Was it right to seek happiness?  No, but it is better to accept dissatisfaction, so that even when you are dissatisfied, you will be satisfied with yourself.  But how do I accept, then?  (again asking this question implied I was seeking, or rejecting my present situation.)  I seek… I seek to end my search (because if I did not want to end my search I would not be seeking)… but instead if ending my search, I seek…  This is where I don’t make sense.  What my seeking says is that I want to end seeking.  What my dissatisfaction says is that I want to be satisfied.  What my failure to accept says is that I want to accept.  But what should I accept?  If I truly accepted I would not only not seek, but I would be satisfied, and if I were to never seek then I would keep being satisfied.  There is something I should seek (if I may say it so); I should seek nothing, I should accept the present, but not my current situation of dissatisfaction ([if I may say it so] not from this level).  I should accept the present as perfect, I should seek the perfection of the present.  By seeking perfection I mean to see its perfection, not to mold it to my idea of it.  The more I accept, the more satisfied I should be, the less I would seek to find.

I guess that when you seek to find, you are forced to move by pain; but when you seek to seek, you are allowed to move by freedom.  This is the difference between seeking and seeking, they are both essentially the same in the sense that they lead to discovery, except one has an element of contradiction; that by seeking to find, you are essentially doing one thing because you want to do something else that you are not doing.

Be rigorous in being satisfied, to the point of perfection, to the point that you are happier all the time.  When you seek, seek so that you have to seek less and less every time; not more, by way of “realizing” you have ways to go.  Be rigorous in being free.

As I practice this today, I don’t give myself time to accuse myself when I do wrong, because there is no wrong.  I realize that whenever I am dissatisfied, whenever I feel incomplete, when I hate my situation, I am only dissatisfied with who I am at the moment.  As I try to accept this and my situation, I find myself renewing a certain perspective, a movement that I treat as a law, and that I interpret as “Love yourself, continually; even when you fall.”  Even when you wish you were not you, love this about yourself.  Continually, be in that space that loves without failing, that loves regardless of your situation, in synthesis with the merciful God above you, the one who created you as you were, and as you were to turn out to be.